I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I stole a fireplace last night.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
