I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
