I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Four minutes until I can fart!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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