I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
And then he peed in my hair
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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