She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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