my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
