you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I need to sanitize my soul.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
