I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
