I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
