I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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