She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
