He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
40s are totally the cure
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
