She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
