Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
