please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
