I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
