I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
