He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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