i don't like sucking hair
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
