Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Congratulations! We have a period
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