You're earring is so big in my mouth
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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