Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize