Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
