I think im going to throw up on grandma
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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