Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
