so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
