Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
