My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
