so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
