Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
