This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
