These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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