Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
