There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
