Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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