He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Girls should come with a carfax report
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
