are you still at the devil's house?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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