is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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