God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
