i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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