I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
