There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
