I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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