farters have to be the big spoon...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
