if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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