Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Don't EVER smell your tampon
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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