Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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