saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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