I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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