i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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