you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Sext me about skeletons
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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