my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
