I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
