i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
