Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
