I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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