Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
