Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
