eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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