Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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