remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
