you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
