4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
