Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
