Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
