I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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